Takatori Pulls a Grinchy
by ShadowLeopard
Summary: Takatori wants to be a bastard and decides to take Santa for ransom... (spontaneous BradxSchuness. this is a fic by SL. What the HELL did you expect?)


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Takatori Pulls a Grinchy  
Part One  
  
pairings: You'll note some BxS. Yes, they roll around in the snow. O_o  
warnings: Umm.. Profanity? I don't know. Crawford getting sappy. Daddy told him Santa didn't exist. :P  
  
note: 'Pull a Grinchy' is not a dirty expression. It means, like... Pretend to be the Grinch. You know, from 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'? I knew you knew. Enjoy the... Um... Insanity. Yes, Takatori is still alive. For... Useful... Purposes.  
  
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"I don't like the idea," Crawford said uneasily. He was *never* uneasy in the presence of Takatori Reiji. Crawford was his body guard. He was supposed to be relentless and emotionless and... A killer.  
  
Unfortunately, this evil, cruel plot just struck home, it really did.  
  
"*You're* not the evil politician with a plot to take over Japan and the entire world, *are* you *Crawford*?" the icy tone replied.  
  
Brad grumbled. /Says who?/  
  
"I still think it's a bit... How shall I put this..."  
  
"What?" Takatori's finger slowly moved to under his desk where there was a nice red button labeled "security". "Please, express your /humble.../ opinion."  
  
"I think you're crazy!" Crawford suddenly blurted out. "You're thinking of kidnapping SANTA CLAUS!!" Golden eyes hazed slightly. "And he doesn't even exist!"  
  
"That, my boy," Takatori rumbled, "is where you're wrong!"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
Reiji stood up, pacing back and forth. He pulled out a fiberglass baton out of we-don't-want-to-know-land (you know, the same place people randomly grab lube and condoms) and pointed to a graph on the wall. "This is the North Pole."  
  
"...Yes, that's... The Dairy Queen."  
  
"YOU'RE RUINING IT!!"  
  
"...Yes...sir."  
  
"AHEM. This is the NORTH POLE. Santa has been known to be around... Here." Takatori pointed to the top of the Dairy Queen's swirly plastic icecream dollop. "And his elves live... ...Six feet under the snow. Here." He pointed to... Six inches below the top.  
  
"Um, Mr. Takatori--"  
  
Takatori gave Brad "the eye". "I'm not done yet."  
  
"Yessir!"  
  
"You, as Schwarz, will go to the North Pole and kidnap Santa. Then you will bring him here, naked, with several bodacious elf women. ...Amazon type."  
  
"............Mister Takatori?"  
  
"YOU HEARD ME!!"  
  
"...but *Santa*!" Bradley replied shakily. "We can't--"  
  
"It's July, no one's gonna care! Now go, or I'll... Get the golf club!"  
  
"You couldn't hit me if you were... Um.. Pre..PREcognitive!"  
  
Dangerous eyes narrowed. "Wanna try?"  
  
"I'll tell YOU where to shove that golf club," Brad muttered as he exited the room.  
  
"I HEARD THAT!"  
  
***  
  
Farfarello was building a snowman that resembled Satan and Nagi was floating unceremoniously out of the way of random Farf-marked snowballs.  
  
Schuldich was freezing his precious German ass off. "WHY are we here? Remind me again?" he growled out, dancing about in the snow. Crawford tried to figure out the compass.  
  
"...Oh, hell."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think we're in Antartica."  
  
"DAMMIT!!"  
  
[a day later]  
  
Schuldich was once again freezing his precious German ass off. "Tell me we're in Siberia, Crawford, and I DID get a registered license to strangle you."  
  
"We're almost to the North Pole."  
  
"Thank God."  
  
"GOD!? If God sees my snowman he'll hurt, heehee." Everyone sweatdropped, glancing to Farfarello. He had brought the whole snowman from Antartica to where they were now and the poor thing had melted.  
  
"Um, Farf," Nagi said quietly. "Why don't you put that away. We'll let you slaughter an elf--"  
  
"NOooOO we won't!" Crawford bit out. A bit surprised, himself. "You won't be touching the elves."  
  
"That's okay, there's--"  
  
"OR the reindeer. Or Santa, or Mrs. Claus, or anybody else!!" Crawford turned to glare at them all, parka flapping dramatically in the wind, giant tennis-racket-snow shoes kicking up snow, pants filled with three electric blankets. "None, absolutely NONE of you will hurt, maim, TOUCH, kill, or corrupt," Brad's eyes turned to Schu, "anyone but our targets. And, with our targets, they all have to be alive and in PERFECT condition! If there's one scrape!"  
  
"Yes sir," the rest of Schwarz mumbled monotonely at Crawford before he turned around. "Now, where the hell is that big reindeer corral..."  
  
"I thought Takatori said Santa lived in a Dairy Queen."  
  
"Stupid," Crawford said, "Santa's house is invisible. And besides, Takatori thinks 'rain-deers' have tenticles."  
  
"For a minute there, I thought you said test--"  
  
"Shut up, Schuldich."  
  
They trudged on through the snow, Farfarello gleefully throwing snowballs at the back of Nagi's head. The boy had given up a shield half an hour ago, the entire back of his head and neck going numb.  
  
An hour passed. Schuldich whined as he looked around. "I see snow, snow, and more snow, and, hey, a cliff! And I'm STARVING!! Aren't there any abominable snowmen around we can eat or a reindeer or a misfit or something? Or at least an elf? I wonder what elf jerkey tastes like..."  
  
"Shut UP!" Brad yelled, growling slightly. "We'll be there in a minute."  
  
"Um... Crawford," Nagi said quietly. "Um... I sorta can't feel the back of my head..."  
  
Brad turned around. Nagi was pure blue. Brad's eyes widened. "Hoooly Christmas!"  
  
"Hah! That was almost like a funny TV sitcom in America! Stupid American sitcoms."  
  
"I told you to shut up, Schulga."  
  
"Don't call me that."  
  
Nagi shivered visibly, as he was battered from behind with snow balls. Brad ran over and shoved a carebear in Farf's face, and he screamed, falling back into the snow in a vicious seizure.  
  
"Schuldich, give Nagi your coat."  
  
"WHAT!? You crazy, foo'! I ain' givin' up no jacket!"  
  
"Drop the Pennsylvania 'badboy' talk and give him your coat!"  
  
Schuldich growled, yanking off his nice comfy warm jacket and throwing it at Nagi. Immediately he froze to the bone and he leaped up into Brad's arms, shivering. "COLD!"  
  
"Get off!" Brad yelled, attempting to drop the German, but... He wouldn't let go. He clung like a tick, unwilling to drop out of the heat.  
  
"Go take Farf's jacket. Just get off of me!"  
  
"But Bradleey," Schu whined, getting giant chibi SD wobbly begging eyes.  
  
"Those eyes don't work on me!!"  
  
Those eyes worked on him, and he sighed, letting Schu crawl into his jacket with him. "And don't call me that."  
  
"Call you what, Crawford?" Schu said innocently.  
  
Spontaneously, Farfarello leaped up and pointed in a direction. "REINDEER!"  
  
"Reindeer?" Crawford asked.  
  
"Reindeer!" Schu yelled.  
  
"Reindeer," Nagi mumbled slightly as he looked up. ....  
  
"....."  
  
"OH my GOD, RUN!" Schu yelped, attempting to run while stuck in Crawford's jacket. He ran in the other direction, Brad barely managing to keep up with him as he choked out "Maatteee!" and Farf ran after them, Nagi floating above them all as a herd of reindeer chased after them.  
  
The boy sweatdropped slightly, an eyebrow ticking. "I don't know them. I work for a company called Upward Foundation.* I'm sane. I work with the lovely Vanna White. I'm a nice guy. I'm normal..."  
  
After Brad & Schu and Farf had ran far enough away from the reindeer territory, Nagi dropped to the snowy floor again. Brad and Schu fell on top of each other which caused both of them to blush; Brad with anger, Schu with a lusty glaze in his eyes.  
  
"Don't make out in the snow, I beg of you! I'll kiss FARF if you two make out in the snow!" Nagi yelled, but unfortunately he wasn't heard and he was now running away from Farfarello who had a whip in his hand... O_O ANYWAY!  
  
After plenty of time of running away from Farfarello, Nagi dropped back to where Brad and Schuldich were rolling around in the Schu like a pair of Bonobo chimps. He sweatdropped. "Um, can we go find Santa now?"  
  
"Just five more min--Uuuhhh! Brad!"  
  
"I don't need to see this. I really, really don't."  
  
Ten minutes passed.  
  
They were all walking in a way to avoid the damned reindeer, seeing as how Brad was a bit defensive about them for some reason.  
  
"Uh... Let's see... We've been walking around for... Three hours... I'm starving to death... We've been mauled by reindeer..."  
  
"At least you got a screw," Nagi mumbled.  
  
"You had your chance!" Farf said from behind, making a "David" sculpture behind them. Nagi shivered. "You're crazy."  
  
"Hey... Wait a minute," Schu said, stopping them. "Something's glittering up there!"  
  
Crawford stopped, squinting slightly past his glasses, before blinking. "Crikey! We've found it!"  
  
"Don't say crikey ever again."  
  
"Okay..."  
  
They all took off running towards the glinting invisible house and Farf followed after them, giggling.  
  
They were so close, when suddenly Schuldich ran smack-dab into an invisible wall, falling backwards cartoonishly and making a Schuldich-imprint in the snow. Nagi fell over laughing in his big comfy Schu coat.  
  
Crawford sweatdropped slightly, poking at the wall. "Break through it, Nagi."  
  
Nagi picked Schu up out of the ground telekinetically and readied him to be thrown into the wall--  
  
"NOT using Schuldich! Or Farfarello! OR me!"  
  
"*Fine*," Nagi mumbled, breaking a hole in the atmosphere. They all looked into a rosy little room with elves running about, making toys, and Santa with a big giant list of little boys and girls.  
  
Brad's eyes suddenly got huge and watery and he sniffled, mumbling "Santa..?"  
  
"Oh boy, here it goes," Schu said wobbly, falling in a circle. um..downward, that is...  
  
"It's Santa, he's..real!"  
  
"Ho..ho?" The jolly ol' man looked up and out the ..new window at these people. He blinked. "Ho ho... ho ho ho ho..."  
  
"I guess he speaks in Ho-ese," Nagi said to Farfarello with a shrug. Farf shrugged back.  
  
"SHRUGGING CONTEST!"  
  
Both of them shrugged endlessly until Brad was done getting watery eyes. He stepped in through the hole. "Mr. Santa Claus... We need to speak with you." He glanced around for any babe elves. "Alone."  
  
"Ho, ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho, ho ho HO! Ho ho ho ho!" (Now wait a minute!! I paid my taxes, you IRS scum! Get off Santa's case!)  
  
Schu was dizzily translating to Brad telepathically.  
  
"No need to get... Um... Wound up, Santa," Brad said smoothly. "If you'd just step out here--Agh! Schuldich, get off of me!"  
  
The German clung to Brad for warmth once again. Gingerly, Santa walked out, mumbling, "Ho, ho. Hoho's..." (Oh, great. Pink boys...)  
  
"That was kinda mean!" Schuldich grumbled at Santa. "You're not very nice at all, are you!"  
  
"I'm the nicest--Errr!! Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho ho HO, ho ho ho!?" (I'm the nicest man there is! You're the ones dragging me out here, remember!?)  
  
Crawford got big watery eyes once again. "I'm sorry Santaaaa!" he yelled just as the big net, arigatou Nagi, fell over the big red fat--no, wait. Fat would be politically incorrect. How about... Chunky--dude. Farfarello pulled out several bodacious amazon elf ladies in short-versions of Santa suits out on a leash. He grinned. "Sexy elves hurt God."  
  
"Maa... Let's go home now. I am REALLY hungry."  
  
Brad was crying histerically.  
  
"Can't we eat Santa?"  
  
"Schu, on behalf of the ...crying... Crawford... SHUT UP!"  
  
"You're mean, Nagi. You're just so mean."  
  
"I could care less."  
  
"Ho HOOOO!" (Save MEEEE!)  
  
***  
  
"You caught Santa!!" Takatori said gleefully, dancing on the table. He calmly stepped down. Nagi had utterly refused to see the fat man naked and let him wear a sumo-wrestling diaper.  
  
"Crawford's at home having emotional childhood traumas, Farfarello is making an army of Satanic snowmen, and Schuldich just went home to 'help with the childhood traumas', which basically means I get to clean the couch again. Can I go now?" Nagi stated, trying to go home, even though he WOULD have to clean the couch again and perhaps mop up that loose water Farfarello would drag in after he started throwing Satan Snowmen on random, unexpecting people.  
  
"Of course not! You have to...ehm..."  
  
"Have to what?"  
  
"...You can go home now."  
  
"Good riddance!" 


End file.
